Eat Pray Love

Julia Roberts, James Franco, Billy Crudup, Javier Bardem -- Like watching paint dry. A woman goes to Bali. Then back home to New York. And then on to Italy, where she eats too much pasta. From there she goes to India and studies under some yogi. And finally back to Bali where she meets the love of her life. Definitely a chick flick. I would rate it 2 3/4 out of 5 stars. (2010 - PG-13)

Vampires Suck

Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, Diedrich Bader, Ken Jeong, Dave Foley, Crista Flanagan, Ike Barinholtz, David DeLuise -- Every year, there has to be at least one comedy spoof. This year's edition is a take-off on the "Twilight" series. Like all those before (Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, Scary Movie, Disaster Movie, and so on) it takes a funny idea, and runs it into the ground. Anyone older than 16 will find the movie boring. Obviously, I didn't like it. I would rate it 2 1/2 out of 5 stars. (2010 - PG-13)

Northville Cemetery Massacre

No one that I had heard of before -- They said that Nick Nolte was in this one. I didn't see him, and there was no mention of him in the credits. However, the score was penned by Michael Nesmith (The Monkees). A woman gets raped by a cop. He tells her to implicate a motorcycle gang instead of him. Her father seeks vengeance on the motorcycle gang. It was a terrible movie. I would rate it 2 out of 5 stars. (1976 - R)

Behind That Curtain

E.L. Park, Boris Karloff, Warner Baxter -- The first "Chalie Chan" ever made. He is in it less than five minutes. A lawyer, hired by Sir George Mannering, is murdered before he gets to tell Sir George about a man that is carrying on with his niece. It looks like Col. John Beetham, his niece's husband, is the murderer. But come to find out, Eric Durand, the jilted lover, is the real murderer. I would rate it 2 3/4 out of 5 stars. (1929 - UR)

Catfish

Nev Schulman, Megan Faccio, Rel Schulman -- Never, never, never start a relationship on the intranet with someone you don't know. This documentary, by Ariel Schulman , follows his brother, Nev, and his attraction to the mysterious "Megan". I want you to see the movie, so I won't give anything away. Trust me, though, you will like it. I would rate it 5 out of 5 stars. (2010 - PG-13)

Somewhere

Stephen Dorff, Elle Fanning, Ellie Kemper, Benicio Del Toro -- Sofia Coppola can not make a movie. No way, no how! If her father, Francis, was not backing her up, no way this movie would have been produced. The film revolves around film star Johnny Marco (Stephen Dorff) and his tween daughter, Cleo (Elle Fanning). The things I got from it were: 1) He drives a Ferrari. 2) He plays "Guitar Hero" with his daughter. 3) At some point his daughter and he go to Italy. That's it! I kept on waiting for something to happen. It never did. Although Ellie Kemper was in it (she plays the latest receptionist in "The Office"). I would rate it 2 out of 5 stars. (2010 - R)

Chasing the Green

Jeremy London, Ryan Hurst, William Devane -- Possibly the worst picture I have ever seen! The only actor of note was William Devane. It's a true story about two brothers and the cell phone business they started. Absolutely the worst acting I have seen, and the sets were absolute crap (in this scene, they were in their lawyers office and instead of law books there are Readers Digest Condensed Books on the bookshelf). Even William Devane couldn't pull this one out of the crapper. Jeremy London is currently in "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew". He is a mess. If you don't know what I mean, the movie was crap! I rate it a 0 out of 5 stars. (2009 - NR)

easy A

Emma Stone, Thomas Haden Chuch, Patricia Clarkson, Amanda Bynes, Stanley Tucci, Lisa Kudrow, Malcolm McDowell, Fred Armisen -- An average girl (Emma Stone) lies about "doing it" with a gay guy and she becomes the "School Slut" (even though it is all just a lie). An hour and a half that I will never get back. I would rate it 2 1/2 out of 5 stars. (2010 - PG-13)

Frenemy

Matthew Modine, Adam Baldwin, Zach Galifianakis, Callum Blue -- A really, really weird tale about a cop and some serial killers. It was an hour before I figured the plot out. I wouldn't recommend it to many people. For those of you who remember Matthew Modine in "Full Metal Jacket", Adam Baldwin in "My Bodyguard", and Zach Galifianakis in "Dinner for Smucks", it will be a real disappointment for you. Strangely interesting, nonetheless. I would rate it 3 3/4 out of 5 stars. (2009 - R)

Tiptoes

Kate Beckinsale, Matthew McConauchey, Gary Oldman, Patricia Arquette, Peter Dinklage, David Alan Grier, Debbie Lee Carrington -- About a man who carry's a secret with him - he comes from a family of little people. I can't understand why they had Gary Oldman as the guy's twin brother. Steven (Matthew McConauchey) is normal size, while his twin brother, Rolfe (Gary Oldman), is a little person. The rest of the cast is both normal size and little people. Steven gets Carol (Kate Beckinsale) pregnant. They have a son. He is a little person. Carol moves in with Rolfe. The End. Absolutely abysmal! I would rate it 2 1/2 out of 5 stars. (2003 - R)

Devil

Bokeem Woodbine, Matt Craven, Chris Messina, Bojana Novakovic -- Written (but not directed) by M. Night Shyamalan. Five people in an elevator car. You know what happens next. I won't tell you the ending, but suffice it to say, the devil made him do it. I would give it 4 out of 5 stars. (2010 - PG-13)

Micmacs

Dany Boon, Julie Ferrier, Dominique Pinon, Yolande Moreau -- A guy (Dany Boon) works in a video store in Paris. One day, a shooting happens right outside his building. He is involved with the crossfire. At the hospital, they decide his fate, and leave the bullet in his head, but he could die at any time. He takes refuge with a weird sort of junk collectors. Each one has something special that they do (one is a human calculator, one is a contortionist, one is a human cannonball, etc). He has the casing from the gun that tried to murder him, and a half dissolved landmine that his father tried to disarm when he was in the Army. By accident, he finds the two armament distributors right across the street from one and another. He devises a plan! I couldn't get into it right here (his plan is very involved), but it works. The only problem I had with it was it was in French. But I got through it! I would rate it 4 1/2 out of 5 stars. (I added a half a star for the visual effects.) (2009 - R)

2010: Moby Dick

Barry Bostwick, Renee O'Connor -- Where are Gregory Peck and Richard Basehart when you really need them! For those of you who don't remember, Barry Bostwick used to play the Mayor of New York City in the hit series "Spin City". Renee O'Connor played Gabrielle in the series, "Xena". This time Captain Ahab's ship, The Pequod, is a nuclear submarine and Moby Dick is a 600 foot whale. The sets are minimalist. Asylum Films brought you the epic movies "Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus", and "Mega Python vs Gatoroid". That being said, "Moby Dick" is so bad, that it is good. And, yes, as the soothsayer predicts in "Moby Dick" (the original Herman Melville novel), "All, all, all save one shall perish" . I would rate it 4 out of 5 stars. (2010 - NR)

The Kids Are All Right

Annette Bening, Julianna Moore, Mark Ruffalo, Mia Wasikowska, Josh Hutcherson -- Nic (Annette Bening) and Jules (Julianna Moore) play a lesbian couple with two teenage kids. The teens want to meet their real father (Mark Ruffalo), and arrange to do so. It gets complicated when the father sleeps with one of the mothers. All five of them are surprisingly good, and the soundtrack was great. Shut the front door! I would give it 3 3/4 out of 5 stars. (2010 - R)

The Other Guys

Will Ferrell, Mark Wahlberg, Samuel L. Jackson, Dwayne Johnson, Eva Mendez, Micheal Keaton, Rob Riggle, Steve Coogan, Anne Heche, Derek Jeter, Brooke Shields, Rosie Perez, Tracy Morgan, Ice-T -- I have never like Will Ferrell. As a matter of fact, I have only liked him one of his roles. That of Ashley Schaeffer in the HBO series "Eastbound and Down". I also hated him in "The Other Guys". Typical story about a couple of worthless bums who are NYPD cops. All of a sudden, a big case gets dropped in their laps. Further hijinks follow. I didn't think very much of it, and all the stars in the world wouldn't have picked this one up. I would give it a 2 1/2 out of 5 stars. (2010 - PG-13)

Owning Mahowny

Philip Seymour Hoffman, Minnie Driver, John Hurt -- A compulsive gambler has a job in a bank from which he steals over $10 million to feed his habit. A true story. It was okay, but neither Hoffman's or Driver's greatest work. Roger Ebert ranked it "one of 2003's best movies". I guess he was high from chemotherapy that day. I would rate it 3 out of 5 stars. (2003 - R)

Restrepo

The Americans name their Outposts after fallen comrades. Hence, Firebase Restrepo. It follows a year in the lives of the Army Second Platoon in the Korengal Valley in Afghanistan. (2010 - R)

Shrek Forever After

Mike Myers, Cameron Diaz, Eddie Murphy, Antonio Banderas -- Thank God the fourth, and final, has been put to rest and I don't think there will any more Shrek movies! The first one was cute; the second one was a bit over the top; the third one was down right annoying; and so fourth one..... the fourth one...... the fourth one.....Awe skip it. I thought it was awful. I would give it 2 1/2 out of 5 stars. (2010 - PG-13)

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Dakota Fanning -- Be forewarned, any of you straight guys (and I consider myself a straight guy) knock back an Abien before you see this movie with your girlfriend. Teen angst! This one finds the vampires and the werewolves teaming up to fight the "Newbornes" (the newly crossed-over vampires). In each one of the Twilight Sagas, there is about five minutes of some awesome special effects (#1 was the baseball game, #2 was the werewolves, and #3 was the fight scene) surrounded by two hours of teen angst. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't recommend this one. I would rate it 2 out of 5 stars. (2010 - PG-13)

Cemetery Junction

Ricky Gervais, Ralph Fiennes, Emily Watson -- It tried to hard! I gave up on it after 45 minutes. A bunch of working stiffs in a place called Cemetery Junction. British comedy (maybe that's why it's so God awful). I would give it 1 1/2 out of 5 stars. (2010 - R)